To day was supposed to be a nice day with just me and the girl I have liked for a while in Mitsuwa Market place. Basically, some alone time with her and me because she has to fly back to Florida in a few days. However, my brother came along because he wanted to come along and she wanted to see him again too. (she's friends with him too) I had not problem with that to be honest. I wanted to her to enjoy her time with people that mattered to her and that would make her smile. I was even okay with the fact that he just shit talked me the whole entire night in front of her. What I wasn't okay with... well, to be honest, I'm not even sure about what I'm not okay with anymore.

I don't know if it started off when I had them sit next to each other in the back of the car so that they can bond and have their girl talk, where she pretty much seemed much more pleased about his presence than mine; or maybe when my brother and her started talking about the guys their looking for, where I learned that everything she wanted, was what I wasn't; or maybe it's when I noticed that I was finally put into a place in her heart.

That last part sounds like a good thing right? No. A little back story here I guess, I drunkenly texted her and called her professing my love to her. She followed up by saying that she was so happy to get the call and sad too, because she didn't know where to put me. Either the greatest guy friend she ever had or the only guy who's ever treated her that way. Now we're going to fast forward till now. I know where I stand. I'm the notch right next to Gay Bffl. 

The hardest part for me is probably letting it all sink in that that's all I'm going to be. I don't want to ignore her and I don't plan on Ignoring her. I want to stay her friend and I want to be there for her whenever she needs someone to talk to. I'm actually going to stay a friend even though I got friend zoned. Why? I just want her to be happy. It's as simple as that. I just wish it didn't always hurt this much. 

*edit*

Honestly though, I should be used to this or just be happy with what I got already. For those who have followed me for a while, you guys should know that my relationship history has never been the greatest one. They usually end up with me being used, toyed with, or cheated on. So this may have possibly been the best outcome for me. It just sucks that when I actually do try, I just fail. A friend of mine told me that we should start a thing for the coming new years where we resolve to be kinder to ourselves and aim higher. After this, I'm not going to. I always said that me always downplaying everything kept me humble, and you know what? It did. 

I'm not going to change for the better. I'm going to stay with the plan I always told myself to follow. Which was to just accept things for how they were and accept it as is. Do the George Clooney, get a pet, focus on my career and THINK about settling down when I'm 35. When everyone's biological clock is ticking and there is a hope that the woman who finds me actually knows what she wants in life. Maybe someone who will actually find me as their match. Which through my experience, is not in existence.

I know its late, but well I guess I finally have another story to share. Thanks to ShimmerBodyCream and babieboo-annie, they managed to convince me to try and start blogging again. 

I just got back from a party, and I generally had a good time. My partner molested me thinking that I was another girl we mutually knew, felt really wanted and loved, and my friend banged his head on the table and started to bleed.

The cut wasn't as bad as that picture shows, but it was the most accurate one I could find.

Unfortunately, before I stepped in, there was a spat among the brothers of the house about how to properly handle the procedure.

It started getting loud and heated, and then one of them called me over to take care of the injured person. I settled things down, ended the spat and went on to mission mode. Nothing sobers you up like the sight of your friend on the floor in a pol of blood.

That's when I went on full EMT mode. My job as a CSA, which is the equivalent of a building RA, but I patrol the campus; they put us through training in case something like this happens. The brothers of the house surprisingly knew somewhat of what they were doing, but I was called in to make sure that everything was in proper order. I kept my cool, made sure the cut was okay, checked his pulse and vitals, consciousness, and if his vision was compromised or not; in the case of a concussion. 

We then proceeded to bring him back to his room. Made him a solution of honey, sugar, salt, water and some bannannas on the side to make sure that he recovered most of the potassium ions lost through dehydration and the fluids to make sure that he had something to compensate for the blood loss.  Checked him out before I left and he was perfectly coherent and just needed a good nights rest. before I left, there were a few guys stationed with him to keep watch just in case something happens.

What I found really strange in this story, was how much trust they put in me and how my decisions were seemingly the final call. I guess I'm not used to being someone that would or could be considered a figure of absolute authority. It might have been because I knew, or looked like I knew, exactly what I was doing. I'm just happy I learned everything I did up until now. Otherwise, I could have seen this turning out very ugly.  Good night guys. Stay safe. And it's good to be back for real.