Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Hey xanga. Still intending on using you as a journal like I used to...
Today... I'm in a bit of a predicament. As you already know, I don't have the best track record for relationships or just good things in general. I've grown to believe all good things are temporary or just a set-up to get hurt; especially when it applies to me.
What's causing me to really think about it today?
I've been talking to this girl for a bit, and we both made it pretty clear we don't want anything. We both have been through so much, where we're at the point we just gave up. So we agreed to be just friends who just have so much in common and truly enjoy each other's company. As time passed since we first met, we just grew closer and closer (and I still have the mindset of just not wanting to be in or even start a relationship)
We're both just too tired and too hurt to even try anymore. But there's a problem, she's making me want to change my mind.
She recently has decided to move out of state and basically get a restart in life. Which I fully supported, because she truly has gone through so much that no girl should ever have to go to. We used each other as "therapists", more her-to-me than me-to-her. And I listened; to everything. Her likes, her dislikes, her passions, dreams, etc; I listened to it all. When moving she was already facing some anxiety of sorts, so I made some sort of a "care package" and sent it to her with a letter explaining my reasons for selecting certain things.
She received the package today, and was really touched. There is this pendant I always usually wear, and she sent me a picture of her wearing it. My heart, which I thought I had learned to keep guarded very well, started to pitter patter. That's when I knew I was in trouble.
I know how she thinks already and I already know, very well, that it's a doomed adventure to be seeking. That's why I want to shield my heart again. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to be let down again. I don't want to feel alone. I want to just be happy with the relationship I have with her now; and expect nothing more.
I know the saying, "nothing ventured, nothing gained" and "It's better to live a life of 'oh wells' then 'what if's'"; but I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of pushing something away something so wonderful. I'm afraid of hurting someone who I never want to hurt.
I'm afraid to allow myself to be happy.